Thursday, June 28, 2012


I’ve come to realize that in the blogosphere one does not always have the most positive of things to blog about.  Such is today’s blog, although it is a bit complicated and downbeat, if you stick with me until the end, you will see the happy ending AND the silver lining.  This is a story that I have only shared with my sister and my two closet friends, but the Lord has laid it on my heart to share it this morning.

It was exactly 2 weeks ago today.  I guess it was around 11:30 a.m. when I awoke in unfamiliar surroundings.  I looked over and saw my husband sitting next to me.  “Where am I, Jim?”

“Well, you are in the ICU.”

“I am? When did I get here?”

“You don’t remember? I brought you in last night.”

No, I didn’t remember – I didn’t remember a thing, until hours later when my head cleared and I began to think back on the night before.

We have been going through quite a rough spell the past few weeks.  After 26 years, Jim was called into the administrator’s office at the hospital and told that he and his 5 partners no longer had jobs.  It was such a shocker! Something I never expected, or saw coming.

After the initial shock of realizing that a 26 year life investment had been so flippantly disregarded by someone in a minor spot of authority, we have begun to put all the pieces back together and figure out where we are headed.  God is good though, and there is hope, and light at the end of the tunnel.  I have always believed He watches over me and guides me in this life, and although I didn’t like the initial thought of all of this, God is showing us daily that He is still with us, just like all the dozens and dozens of times before.

Having set that up, I can begin to tell you the rest of the story. 

Jim and I had come home form a long arduous day in Santa Fe.  I was still reeling from trying to wrap my head around figures of how to continue to put my boys through college, pay a few taxes and figure out where I could pick up a job.  It had been kind of tense as emotions were running a little higher than usual.

Upon arriving home, I sat down and enjoyed a nice glass of wine.  At that point, I was tired, actually, I was rather exhausted.  I had given blood 2 days earlier.  I hadn’t given blood in 30 years.  Being the last patient of the day (and because they hadn't met their projected quota), the guy at the blood drive told me I should give a double, saying it was actually better for me and I would feel fantastic. I agreed and we began pumping away.

What he failed to ask, and what I failed to mention, was my heart condition.  Never should I have been allowed a to give a double, and well, I will most likely never again give blood.  I have had 2 weeks of pure exhaustion and my heart has had a tough time keeping up with it all.

After the glass of wine, I decided I just wanted to go to sleep.  I guess there is that part of natural thinking that thinks if we can sleep we can just forget all the garbage we are going through.  So I took my nightly ambien.  Now for the record, I have a terrible sleep problem.  I think I have taken half an ambien, nightly, for 5 or 6 years.  This night I decided to take a full one.  As I took it I thought, “Dang, it’s only 7pm, I want to sleep through the night, I best take 2.” Stupid, right?

The problem wasn’t 2 ambien, the problem came 15 minutes later.  About 15 minutes into my sleep I woke up and had absolutely NO memory of having taken the 2 previous ambien.  I thought the same thing, “Hmm, I better take one to sleep – no, two, just so I can sleep through the night.”  So I did.

At this point I have taken 40 mg.  My usual nightly dose is 5 mg. With the glass of wine and the blood loss, well, you guessed it. I was crashing, rapidly at that.

Jim was out in the yard and was inspired to come in and check on me.  He was able to get me to the car, which I do not remember, and get me to the hospital.  At that point I became unconscious and woke up somewhere around 11:30 am the following day.

You’ve all heard the saying, “It was a perfect storm?”  Well, this was. It was a perfect storm of honest, yet stupid mistakes.  A perfect storm of what happens when we take our eyes off God and place them on ourselves. A perfect storm of  trying to find peace in a deep sleep rather than in the grace of God.

You know, I can’t imagine what that was like for him to have to take me to the place where he works, in the condition I was in.  I guess in a sense, I am lucky I don’t have any recollection of it all.  In time all I have remembered is the actual event of taking the ambien. Maybe that too, is God’s grace in showing me that it was an honest mistake.  I had no intention to set out to kill myself, I swear by that.  But I did have the intention to crash into a deep sleep.

Jim has never brought it up again.  He just says he is glad I’m still here.  He is like that you know, I have made so many mistakes along the way, and he never brings them up.  I am so blessed by his presence in my life.

In the aftermath, I have given up the ambien, completely! I was so worried I would not be able to sleep without them, but God has given me rest each night that I cannot even begin to explain. I am so grateful and sleeping like I never have been able to before!  I am also clear headed again, less irritable and feeling fantastic.

What I have learned from this terrible mess are several things.  I should never take my eyes of my Jesus, He alone will see me through everything.  The verse, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding: In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6, reminds me of such things.

I’m disappointed in myself for having had that singular moment of doubt. Like Peter, the moment I took my eyes of the Lord and allowed doubt and fear to crept in, I began to sink.

In the aftermath of all of this drama, God is doing amazing things in our lives.  We are not quite out of the woods on the job ordeal, but He will bring us through them. Of this I am certain.  On my side, I have not felt this clear headed in years.  I am sorry for the way this came about, but it has brought me to a place where I could get rid of something that was fogging up my head, and likely my life. I feel great!

In the end, all I know is this: God knows the very number of our days and nothing we do can add to them or take away from them.  I am so happy that His hand (and Jim’s) were on me and that I have more days to fulfill.  I just pray I can show them both how much I love and appreciate them with the time I have left :0) And I know God has wonderful things in store for me. "For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 

Now, those are words to LIVE for....

Oh, and my sister has always been the first responder in my life. I am grateful for her.  My buddy Stu has always offered a listening ear and a broad shoulder to cry on. He stands without judgement when I take things to him.  And Aaron - he has always guided me sweetly with words of wisdom.  I feel God's goodness and love radiate from him. Thanks guys.

Might I suggest:


  1. Dear Girl Friend Robin,

    You touch the heart of every one that knows you. The positive energy and light that you put out there certainly has to come back to you and Jim a million fold. I for one will add my assistance.
    Thanks for sharing YOU with the "blogosphere". It's so odd how the universe works. Bringing distant acquaintances to friendship, caring & concern 30+ years later ... You are such a fantastic lady ...
    I've shared with you (I think) that I've become more spiritual than religious, and there are time I believe in God and others I just say NO, but I appreciate you making it your personal quest to teach folks about your experiences and knowledge. I love knowing that you are firm in your beliefs, and teachings, all the while not judging anyone along the way. The world deserves the love of people like you.
    I share the sleep problem you do. I get that need to shut out the world, stop the gerbils in myhead from running the wheel and SLEEP.... But ... Don't make me come over there and confiscate that ambien ... Cuz I will!!!!!
    Love & Light to you & Jim ....
    (dark evil energy to hospital administrators...)
    Mindy M.

  2. 1. rejoicing you are still with us. I can't even wrap my mind around the sorrow and grief every single person in your life would be consumed with had something happened....sigh! What a shining light you have been in my life....I LOVE U!
    2. rejoicing that you have been able to rest without the ambien...thank you Lord!!!!
    3. so grateful for all the reminders that HE is there, HE is always there, and always will be.

    God continues to have SUCH big plans for you...the best is yet to come!

  3. Mindy, Jaime - you are both very precious to me <3 Thanks for being such awesome people...Really!